Dull, Gray, Blah

This weather has zapped me. Please stop the gray skies and rain. Bring on the sun. The dreary weather makes me want to sleep. All the time. Seriously, I can't seem to get enough sleep. I doze off during the day (whether I want to or not). Then I can't go to sleep at the right time at night. The cycle repeats. I'm convinced that a little sunshine will help. A little sunshine and warmth and I'd be out taking a walk. Instead I'm curled up on the couch reading. At least I'm reading when I'm not dozing off. The cats think that this new hobby is great. They don't seem to understand that you aren't supposed to sleep ALL the time. Maybe the yucky weather is my fault. I bought some plants last week that I'm itchy to plant. They are stuck in the garage and now I'm nurturing them hoping they survive until it's warm enough to plant them.

Godly Jealousy?

I mentioned jealousy in yesterday's blog. Most of us would associate jealousy with an emotion spurred on by Satan and the desires of this world. I want to point out that the jealousy I was feeling yesterday seemed more of a Godly jealousy. What I mean by this is a prompting of the Holy Spirit to return to a place of putting God first. I would like to think that it was a call to readjust my focus. I googled "Godly jealousy" and found the following quote:
"We can lose our devotion and purity through the pressures of daily living. You can get so busy and so worried and so anxious about yourself that you find yourself losing sight of Christ."
Jame 4:4-6 says, "You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely?" (NIV)

Dear God,
You have my attention. Forgive me for losing sight of you. Help me to return to your word and your comfort. You alone are God. You alone deserve my full attention. Thank you for reminding me that I was going awry. Thank you for calling out my name and reminding me that you are there.
Amen

Twinges of Jealousy

I'd like to bring your attention to another blog that I follow. I've wanted to tell you about it but wanted to ask the author's permission before linking you to it. The blog is http://jeffreysathome.blogspot.com/ .
The author is in GriefShare with me. She lost her precious baby boy this past January. I admit to twinges of jealousy as I listen to her walk with God through her grief. I see the glow of the Lord's comfort in her face. By no means am I saying that she does not hurt. She is just leaning on God. I feel a little jealous because at some point I quit leaning on God for comfort. I don't know how it happened but sometime after the holidays I quit leaning on God. I see now that I've allowed bitterness to seep in. I've been angry at various individuals for letting me down. At the same time I hear God saying, Why were you placing any confidence in things (people) of this world? Don't you know that I AM GOD? Don't you know that I AM the only constant in your life? Twice this week I've heard others commenting about it being our choice on which way to go. Duh! I know this. Didn't I choose to follow God, allow him to carry me all through Kristen's illness? Why did I feel that I could go it alone now? What made me stop getting up and making a daily choice to spend time with Him? This is hard for me admit. Pride makes me want to deny my own failing. So many tell me that I'm so strong. That I'm an inspiration. That they have great respect for how I have dealt with my loss. Bah! I'm none of those things. I'm weak. I allow pity parties in. I am often laid low by my grief. I allow myself to wallow in despair. In my previous blogs I would have prayer requests. I've gotten out of that habit. But I do need your prayers. We need your prayers. Devin, Steven and I.
So with that I ask that you pray for:
1) Renewal. Pray for me to daily choose to walk with God through grief. (That's kind of a misnomer, I will always grieve Kristen's passing. But I do pray for a day when it's not so raw.)
2) Direction. One of my biggest issues right now is not knowing who exactly I am. My identity is unclear to me right now. I spent the past two years completely focused on Kristen. Taking care of her and managing her care. I've kind of lost my way. Pray that a passion or direction will become apparent to me.
3) Health. Pray that I return to better health. I've really let myself go over the past couple of years. I've gained a significant amount of weight because I just quit taking care of myself. It was all about Kristen. I quit exercising because I couldn't stand leaving her alone for a few minutes.
4) Motivation. For anything. Seriously, I've always been a bit of a procrastinator but I'm becoming a Pro!
5) Family. We have to redefine our idea of our family. We no longer are a family of four but three. We look different and feel diffferent. Pray for our bond to continue to strengthen and that we continue to stand together.
6) Understanding. Pray that others have patience and understanding for the changes they may see or sense in us. That we would have patience and understanding for each other and for ourselves.
7) Compassion. Pray that this trial serves to help us become even more compassionate towards others. For we all are experiencing troubles in our lives.

Thank you.

Saying Goodbye to a Faithful Appliance

Can we have a moment of silence for my dishwasher? It died yesterday of natural causes. For 8 years it served us well. I had a greater appreciation for its service after I washed a dishwasher load of dirty dishes. RIP.

Now lets all stand to salute my new dishwasher. Wonderful hubby came home on his lunch hour to hook it up. We gaze on it in awe of its stainless steel glory. "Hello, gorgeous! Welcome to my kitchen." May it serve our home for many years to come.

Oh on a side note, I thought dishwashers used to last longer than 8 years.

Rambling

I have wasted the morning catching up on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. I am unable to stay up to watch it so I DVR it. I love Jimmy Fallon. He is cute and funny. I especially love it when he cracks himself up.

Speaking of DVR's. What did we do before this?! I love, love, love, being able to fast forward during a show. I can't stand to watch tv any other way.

So Spring Break 2 has started. Steven and I don't have any plans except to get in some hiking to get him in shape for Philmont. (Side benefit, getting in shape myself!) Now that the weather is improving it's much easier to get out and enjoy the sunshine. The guys have 12 weeks to get in training for Philmont and their 50 mile hike. I'm looking forward to 2 weeks doing my own thing. I know I will miss them like crazy but I'm planning on keeping myself busy.

As soon as the weather improved, Devin broke ground (figuratively) on our outdoor bar/kitchen. This is the final stage of the back yard retreat. We are so excited to get it completed. Our backyard is our oasis. I plan my summer days around getting into the pool.

I've got to get to work now. I've neglected the house this week while I was playing.

Spring Break Part 1

I get two Spring Breaks this year! Woo hoo! I spent the past week with my girl Barbara. We spent a couple of nights in Eureka Springs ghost hunting, laughing, hiking, laughing, shopping and did I mention, laughing. I really can't remember the last time I laughed so much. We drove up to Eureka Springs the long winding way. The day was grey and overcast. A perfect set up to our anticipated visit to the haunted Crescent Hotel. On our journey into town we visited the famed Pivot Rock and the Natural Stone Bridge. About the time I would think that we were on the wrong road, a sign would appear pointing us onward. By the end of our trip I would learn about driving down roads just to see what is there.We explored a little and finally checked into the Crescent. Our room was on the 4th floor and seemed perfectly normal. There were a couple of areas that spooked us. We went on the ghost tour that night and it was a blast. We heard about the history of the Hotel and the ghosts that we would be staying with. Our tour guide seemed to think that those of us that were religious were tainted and unable to truly believe in spirits. So I guess I'm tainted. Now I will admit that there were a couple of incidents that can not be explained away so... One odd thing is the fact that we both woke up at 3 a.m. exactly the first night. Very strange. Oh, and have you noticed that blankets have magical powers that keep spirits and things away. We both had to chuckle that no matter how hot we were, we did not want any appendage exposed to the air. We spent our first full day walking around Eureka Springs shopping and just taking it all in. It was a nice day and we enjoyed our hike. That night we had a fabulous dinner in the Crescent Dining room then went ghost hunting again. Little did we know that we would discover something, well strange, about our own room. Needless to say we had some discussion about checking out. We ended up staying but slept with a light on. You would have thought we were little kids. Yesterday when we got home we discovered that we had some orbs in our photos. Orbs are evidence of spirits. I can't explain it. Pretty strange. The scary part was there were a couple in our room. I don't think I would voluntarily stay there again. I wouldn't push my luck. I know I won't ever go there for a massage. That floor gives me the creeps! Maybe because the hall to the massage rooms leads on to the morgue! Anyway, we had the best time and Barbara had to go home all too soon to study for her last few weeks of law school. Hopefully we will be able to do this again soon!

6 months in Heaven

Today marks the 6 month anniversary of losing Kristen. To wake up today and hear the irony of the Tsunami in Japan and all the lives lost there, was surreal. Kristen passed on a day that lives in infamy as a day of mourning, September 11th, and here six months later we have another day of mourning for many. It reminds me that though my loss is devastating, I am not alone. Millions mourn the loss of loved ones. It makes me thankful that one day death will no longer sting. Jesus promises us that.

Dear Lord,
Thank you for the gift of Kristen's life. My heart aches with the devastation of her loss. I take great comfort in knowing that she is with you. Thank you for taking away her pain and suffering. Lord, it is hard being left behind. Thank you for the confidence I have that one day we will be reunited. Thank you also for being my comfort. I know you will bind up my broken heart and turn my mourning to joy. Amen

Isaiah 61:1
The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;
2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn;
3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

Buy Me!

God save me from Target. I always end up spending way more than I intend to when I go there. It's insane. Why do they have to carry so much stuff that I want. I go in there for something specific and but come home with a basketful of stuff that called my name! "Jill buy me, me too! I'm cool don't you want me!" Does anyone else have that problem? I went there today for a baby gift. I ended up with kitty litter, a non-stick pan, a shirt, shorts for Steven, toilet paper, dish towels, a couple cards, some stickers, gift bags and tissue paper. Remember I should have only walked out with the baby gift, gift bag, tissue and card. I have to make sure not to go there too often. As I looked at my full cart I just had to chuckle.

The sun is out today! Hip hip hooray! Isn't it amazing how much better a day seems when there is sunshine?

I made the Pioneer Woman's recipe for Beef and Snow Peas last night. We all deemed it a winner. I'll have to go easy on the ginger though. Steven was a little turned off by the taste. The recipe was super easy. I told the guys to expect it again.
http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2010/10/beef-with-snow-peas/

Can you keep a secret?

I don't know why but today I've been thinking about secrets. We all have them. Remember the delicious secrets of our youth. Secret hideaways, secret dreams, secret codes. Then there are the secrets that can ruin relationships. There is nothing good about these secrets. So why do we keep these secrets? I've always tried to not keep secrets from my children. I try to be honest about mistakes I've made. I expected them to make mistakes but learn from mine and make their own. I also tried to be honest with them about feelings, good or bad. Secrets can be damaging. Why? Because they seem to bloat inside us. They become bigger and bigger and when the gas can't be held in any longer. Well, it's a pretty big stink! I know that's a weird analogy but it is true. Our church has had a series of sermons entitled Relationslips. Sunday's sermon has stuck with me. I realized that all I've done is complain about a broken relationship in my life and I've done nothing about it. I admit I'm lost on how to fix it but I haven't even lifted it up to God. I've started to pray for healing in this relationship. From my standpoint there needs to be some significant heart to heart to begin repair. But when and how to start? There have been a lot of secrets kept on both sides that have caused separation. Before I ever got to this point I had to decide if the relationship was worthy of repair. Because sometimes their not. Sometimes it is just time to move on, circumstances or beliefs have changed and the common thread is no longer there. That's okay too. Do you have a broken relationship? Pray on it. Let God show you how to make repairs or how to look back gratefully on what was.

Your Support is Needed

Our friend Becky is preparing for another marathon with Team-in-Training. This time she will be running in the San Diego Rock and Roll Marathon in June. She is once again running for Kristen. We never dreamed that Kristen would lose her battle and not get to stand at the finish line waiting for Becky. Please support Becky in raising funds and awareness of this devastating disease. Please also pray that Becky remains injury free. http://pages.teamintraining.org/ks/rnr11/bweatherfo
So many families are affected by this disease. I know of at least two other families that have lost their daughters to Leukemia. I've also heard of at least 3 people diagnosed with Leukemia or Lymphoma in just the last 6 months! In fact, just last week the news reported a local Springdale boy who was newly diagnosed. His school was selling wristbands to help his family with the cost of treatment.

Saturday and School is in Session!

We've had so many snow days that Steven had to go to school today. Yuck, school on a Saturday and you aren't even in trouble!

Today, in honor of school being in session I thought I'd do a book report. Actually, book reports. In the past couple of weeks I've read 90 Minutes in Heaven, Heaven is For Real, and Prayers For Sale. The first two are true stories and the last a work of fiction. (I had many people tell me I should read the first two. When you're grieving or have been through a traumatic experience I don't know if that's always a good thing. Reading about Mr. Piper's accident and recovery brought back some bad memories and I often had to put it down.)

90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper is our book club pick for March. This book relates Don Piper's experience after a horrific car accident outside of Houston. Technically he was considered dead for 90 minutes by paramedics at the scene. During this time he went to Heaven and the book is a description of his recovery and memories of Heaven. I enjoyed reading the book, the setting was a part of Texas that I was very familiar with. In fact, we lived in the area during the time of the accident and recovery. I can't say how I feel about his description of Heaven. I can certainly understand how difficult it was for him to reconcile having to endure a tough recovery instead of remaining in Heaven. I think if you had doubts on it's existence you may find comfort in this story. I didn't need to be persuaded, I already believe that Heaven exists. ***

Heaven is For Real by Todd Burpo is another account of Heaven. This account is from a child's view. Mr. Burpo's son almost died from a burst appendix. As a pastor, Mr. Burpo began to be aware of comments that his son made about Heaven and information that there was no way a 4 year old could possess. I was more enthralled by this description of Heaven. I especially enjoyed how this book incorporated scripture to back up accounts from the child. Once again, I didn't need this book to help me believe in the existence of Heaven. I already believed 'Heaven is for real'. ****

Finally, my favorite was Prayers for Sale by Sandra Dallas. It was a sweet story set in Colorado during the gold mining rush after the Civil War. The story tells of hardship, perseverance, and strength. At the center of the story is Henny Comfort. She's in her late 80's and is being urged to leave the high country to come live with her daughter in Iowa. I fell in love with this tough woman. Henny befriends a young wife that moves to the area and feels she can't leave until she helps her learn how to survive in this brutal environment. Henny is a story teller and helps this young woman through retelling of the stories of her life. ****

So I've implemented Jill's rating system. 5 stars ***** Excellent, 4 stars **** Enjoyed it, 3 stars *** Decent read, 2 stars ** Not sure it was worth my time, and 1 star * Didn't even bother to finish.

Got Milk?

It's become my habit to drink a glass of milk every afternoon when I think I "need" something. I've never really been a milk drinker so this in and of itself is strange. Today as I stood at the counter and took my first sip, I suddenly was transported back to Kindergarten. I could picture the desks all lined up and the teacher Mrs. Cooper. I can't remember if we all lined up to get our cold milk or if someone was assigned the task of handing it out. We would all sit quietly with our milk and a snack of graham crackers. I remember how good those graham crackers tasted with the ice cold milk. If I remember correctly we would lay down for a "rest" after snack. Full tummies, tired minds. I rarely fell asleep but I know some of my classmates would. It's funny how if you get a child to be still and quiet long enough they will fall asleep. Isn't it weird to think that we had a rest time and we only had half day kindergarten? Times have changed. Now kids go all day and I don't think they have rest time any more. At least not stretched out on their mat. They might have a story time sitting at their desk or on the floor. But back to the milk memory. I mentioned that Mrs. Cooper was my teacher, the funny part is I associate her with milk because we would get our milk from her husband's dairy farm. It was just right down the road from our farm. We would get a gallon out of the fridge they kept in a shed and leave money. When we got home we'd skim the cream from the top of the milk. Simple sweet memories. What will Steven remember?

Feeling What You Feel

Yesterday afternoon was a little tough. Allowing myself to feel it was good for me though. It allows me to get up this morning to a new day. That's a big part of my journey. By letting myself feel the sad, I let it out. It's not stuck inside weighing heavy on my heart. I was able to go to bed and sleep well and get up this morning to a new day. I've had times when I didn't let go and the sad would linger for days on end. I've been told by many sources to "feel what you feel when you feel it." This means not only the sadness but feel happy as well. After a sad afternoon, I got to go to Steven's Court of Honor for scouts. He was ending his term as SPL - Senior patrol leader. I was able to feel great pride and happiness for him as he stood in front of scouts and parents and ran the meeting. One quote that I go back to from my GriefShare group is this:

"And the people who recover are the people who admit their pain and are able to talk about it and share it." - H. Norman Wright

So I acknowledge my pain. Sometimes it's just too much. I do miss Kristen. Not having her here is like missing a part of myself. Sometimes I think that her personality was often a reflection of a part of me that I couldn't let out. I think that now I'm trying to figure out how to incorporate some of those back into the more reserved me.

Anyway, without rain, how can we appreciate the sun?