Twinges of Jealousy

I'd like to bring your attention to another blog that I follow. I've wanted to tell you about it but wanted to ask the author's permission before linking you to it. The blog is http://jeffreysathome.blogspot.com/ .
The author is in GriefShare with me. She lost her precious baby boy this past January. I admit to twinges of jealousy as I listen to her walk with God through her grief. I see the glow of the Lord's comfort in her face. By no means am I saying that she does not hurt. She is just leaning on God. I feel a little jealous because at some point I quit leaning on God for comfort. I don't know how it happened but sometime after the holidays I quit leaning on God. I see now that I've allowed bitterness to seep in. I've been angry at various individuals for letting me down. At the same time I hear God saying, Why were you placing any confidence in things (people) of this world? Don't you know that I AM GOD? Don't you know that I AM the only constant in your life? Twice this week I've heard others commenting about it being our choice on which way to go. Duh! I know this. Didn't I choose to follow God, allow him to carry me all through Kristen's illness? Why did I feel that I could go it alone now? What made me stop getting up and making a daily choice to spend time with Him? This is hard for me admit. Pride makes me want to deny my own failing. So many tell me that I'm so strong. That I'm an inspiration. That they have great respect for how I have dealt with my loss. Bah! I'm none of those things. I'm weak. I allow pity parties in. I am often laid low by my grief. I allow myself to wallow in despair. In my previous blogs I would have prayer requests. I've gotten out of that habit. But I do need your prayers. We need your prayers. Devin, Steven and I.
So with that I ask that you pray for:
1) Renewal. Pray for me to daily choose to walk with God through grief. (That's kind of a misnomer, I will always grieve Kristen's passing. But I do pray for a day when it's not so raw.)
2) Direction. One of my biggest issues right now is not knowing who exactly I am. My identity is unclear to me right now. I spent the past two years completely focused on Kristen. Taking care of her and managing her care. I've kind of lost my way. Pray that a passion or direction will become apparent to me.
3) Health. Pray that I return to better health. I've really let myself go over the past couple of years. I've gained a significant amount of weight because I just quit taking care of myself. It was all about Kristen. I quit exercising because I couldn't stand leaving her alone for a few minutes.
4) Motivation. For anything. Seriously, I've always been a bit of a procrastinator but I'm becoming a Pro!
5) Family. We have to redefine our idea of our family. We no longer are a family of four but three. We look different and feel diffferent. Pray for our bond to continue to strengthen and that we continue to stand together.
6) Understanding. Pray that others have patience and understanding for the changes they may see or sense in us. That we would have patience and understanding for each other and for ourselves.
7) Compassion. Pray that this trial serves to help us become even more compassionate towards others. For we all are experiencing troubles in our lives.

Thank you.