Hiatus

I will be on hiatus. All is okay in our world. I have just lost my "voice" for a while. I wish I could give you a time frame but for now... I appreciate your indulgence.

Jill

Happy Birthday Kristen! We Miss You!

He Is Risen!

Happy Easter! It was a lovely Easter with our family! At least a portion of us were able to gather together here in Fayetteville. We sloshed our way to early church to beat the crowds. I had to smile at the lady who's rain boots went perfectly with her Easter dress. She was prepared! We gorged ourselves on a yummy Easter dinner of Prime rib, hash brown casserole, asparagus, fruit, deviled eggs and rolls. My beautiful coconut pie was not as pretty on the inside. It ended up looking like coconut soup. (I subbed gluten free flour for the regular flour and didn't add in any xanthum gum. Oops!) I'll be scooping out the middle to pour over some fruit for a luscious treat. At least my chocolate bunny cake was as tasty as it looked.

Favorite Frozen Treat!

I'm already in anticipation of summer. I've been looking online to plan a summer trip to D.C. to see my niece. (More on that in a later post.) I've already had a few days that were warm enough for me to swim in the pool. All indications that summer is coming!

Since I've got summer on the mind, I thought I'd share with you my favorite summer treat. I have to be careful when I buy them because I could eat all of them in one sitting. Edy's Fruit Bars. My new favorite flavor is the lemonade. Very close behind is the lime. I am totally addicted. They are sweet, tart, ice cold deliciousness. Crazy as it seems, as I get older, I am beginning to prefer fruit treats instead of chocolate. GASP! I said it. I never thought the day would come. Look for them in your grocers freezer. Flavors include: Acai Blueberry, Creamy Coconut, Grape, Lemonade, Lime, Peach, Pineapple, Pomegranate, Strawberry and Tangerine. Yum!

Alone Time

My boys are off camping this weekend and I've been enjoying my alone time. I'm alone during the weekdays but it's just not the same as having a weekend to yourself. My plan has been to catch a bunch of redbox movies and piddle around with moving furniture. I stayed up late Friday watching a movie. Consequently I slept in Saturday morning. It's easier for me to get into a project on these 'free' weekends. No one is asking what's for lunch or supper. No one is disturbed when I run the vacuum at 10 o'clock at night. I enjoy these breaks but I'll be glad to see my boy scouts back home tomorrow. They are so sweet, they come back with a mess of dirty clothes to be washed and sleeping bags to be aired out. Sigh!

It's always a shock.

I can't tell you how many times I'll be just driving along and it hits me. Kristen is GONE! It's like someone punched me. I feel shocked. How can this be. I will be just going along with my day and the surprise of losing her will hit me. It really sucks. It's like the sharp cut of a knife. It doesn't go away. The pain hasn't lessened. This is just our life. I think the quick sharp pain hits me so hard because it will come out of the blue. I really hate that. It's like my mind must constantly remind me not to get to comfortable. You never know when life will change. It frustrates me to have no control.

God please help me to remember that you are in control. You know the number of our days. You are there for me in those moments that hit me out of the blue. You are there for me to lean on. You provide comfort and your word tells me that this life is only temporary. Soon we will be together again with you in Heaven. Amen

Book Report

I've been meaning to tell you that you should definitely read The Centurion's Wife by Janette Oke and Davis Bunn.

I read it a week or so ago and loved it. It is especially appropriate to read during Lent. It is a fictitious look at the crucifixion of Christ from the Roman perspective. The central characters are Leah a servant in Pilate's household and Alban, a Centurion. Leah is of mixed heritage, having a Jewish grandmother, and is servant to Pilate's wife. Alban is the centurion from Luke 7:1-7. I think this is a wonderful tie in by the authors. Under the authority of others they are both asked to inquire into Jesus death on the cross and his disappearance from the tomb (resurrection). As the story unfolds Leah and Alban find more than the simple answers that they sought.

What I enjoyed about this book is another look at a story most of us find so familiar. A look behind the scenes at the reactions of Jesus' followers and the non-believers. I was fortunate enough to download this book free to my Kindle. The Centurion's Wife is the first of the Acts of Faith series by Oke and Bunn. Book two is The Hidden Flame. I encourage you to give them a try.

In All Seriousness

We're moving!





To Japan.




We will be solving the Nuclear Crisis.




I will be feeding the homeless.



APRIL FOOL'S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Don't you just love the quote of the day. So true, so true!

Did you know that Kristen loved April Fool's Day? I think that a) she just loved the fact that it was April and her birthday was just a little over 3 weeks away, b) she just loved a good practical joke. One year I got Abesol(sp?) on my toothbrush. Even when I rinsed it off I still had a little of the numbing effect. Even when it wasn't April Fool's Day she would tap you on the shoulder just to make you look behind you. She'd also jump out at me and scare me. This became easier as I got older and didn't hear so well. I'm pretty easy to scare.

The sun is out and Devin left me with an outdoor task! Yea! Sunshine!!!!!!!! I think after I'm done I will grab my camera and head out on a walk. I've seen some of the best tulips blooming lately. I'm also anxiously awaiting peonies and lilacs! Both of those make me think of Peabody. Lilacs are Grandpa Lackey's house and the wonderful smell of his giant lilac bushes. I have visions of the shady porch and his porch swing. Peonies make me think of Mom's back yard and then Grandma Knust. Mom transplanted the peonies from the yard where Grandma lived at one time. (Don't shoot me if I remember wrong!)

Speaking of flowers...I think it's going to stay warm enough for me to plant my hibiscus and hydrangeas. I guess I was in a H kind of mood the other day at Sam's Club!

Got to run! Sunshine is calling my name!

Dull, Gray, Blah

This weather has zapped me. Please stop the gray skies and rain. Bring on the sun. The dreary weather makes me want to sleep. All the time. Seriously, I can't seem to get enough sleep. I doze off during the day (whether I want to or not). Then I can't go to sleep at the right time at night. The cycle repeats. I'm convinced that a little sunshine will help. A little sunshine and warmth and I'd be out taking a walk. Instead I'm curled up on the couch reading. At least I'm reading when I'm not dozing off. The cats think that this new hobby is great. They don't seem to understand that you aren't supposed to sleep ALL the time. Maybe the yucky weather is my fault. I bought some plants last week that I'm itchy to plant. They are stuck in the garage and now I'm nurturing them hoping they survive until it's warm enough to plant them.

Godly Jealousy?

I mentioned jealousy in yesterday's blog. Most of us would associate jealousy with an emotion spurred on by Satan and the desires of this world. I want to point out that the jealousy I was feeling yesterday seemed more of a Godly jealousy. What I mean by this is a prompting of the Holy Spirit to return to a place of putting God first. I would like to think that it was a call to readjust my focus. I googled "Godly jealousy" and found the following quote:
"We can lose our devotion and purity through the pressures of daily living. You can get so busy and so worried and so anxious about yourself that you find yourself losing sight of Christ."
Jame 4:4-6 says, "You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely?" (NIV)

Dear God,
You have my attention. Forgive me for losing sight of you. Help me to return to your word and your comfort. You alone are God. You alone deserve my full attention. Thank you for reminding me that I was going awry. Thank you for calling out my name and reminding me that you are there.
Amen

Twinges of Jealousy

I'd like to bring your attention to another blog that I follow. I've wanted to tell you about it but wanted to ask the author's permission before linking you to it. The blog is http://jeffreysathome.blogspot.com/ .
The author is in GriefShare with me. She lost her precious baby boy this past January. I admit to twinges of jealousy as I listen to her walk with God through her grief. I see the glow of the Lord's comfort in her face. By no means am I saying that she does not hurt. She is just leaning on God. I feel a little jealous because at some point I quit leaning on God for comfort. I don't know how it happened but sometime after the holidays I quit leaning on God. I see now that I've allowed bitterness to seep in. I've been angry at various individuals for letting me down. At the same time I hear God saying, Why were you placing any confidence in things (people) of this world? Don't you know that I AM GOD? Don't you know that I AM the only constant in your life? Twice this week I've heard others commenting about it being our choice on which way to go. Duh! I know this. Didn't I choose to follow God, allow him to carry me all through Kristen's illness? Why did I feel that I could go it alone now? What made me stop getting up and making a daily choice to spend time with Him? This is hard for me admit. Pride makes me want to deny my own failing. So many tell me that I'm so strong. That I'm an inspiration. That they have great respect for how I have dealt with my loss. Bah! I'm none of those things. I'm weak. I allow pity parties in. I am often laid low by my grief. I allow myself to wallow in despair. In my previous blogs I would have prayer requests. I've gotten out of that habit. But I do need your prayers. We need your prayers. Devin, Steven and I.
So with that I ask that you pray for:
1) Renewal. Pray for me to daily choose to walk with God through grief. (That's kind of a misnomer, I will always grieve Kristen's passing. But I do pray for a day when it's not so raw.)
2) Direction. One of my biggest issues right now is not knowing who exactly I am. My identity is unclear to me right now. I spent the past two years completely focused on Kristen. Taking care of her and managing her care. I've kind of lost my way. Pray that a passion or direction will become apparent to me.
3) Health. Pray that I return to better health. I've really let myself go over the past couple of years. I've gained a significant amount of weight because I just quit taking care of myself. It was all about Kristen. I quit exercising because I couldn't stand leaving her alone for a few minutes.
4) Motivation. For anything. Seriously, I've always been a bit of a procrastinator but I'm becoming a Pro!
5) Family. We have to redefine our idea of our family. We no longer are a family of four but three. We look different and feel diffferent. Pray for our bond to continue to strengthen and that we continue to stand together.
6) Understanding. Pray that others have patience and understanding for the changes they may see or sense in us. That we would have patience and understanding for each other and for ourselves.
7) Compassion. Pray that this trial serves to help us become even more compassionate towards others. For we all are experiencing troubles in our lives.

Thank you.

Saying Goodbye to a Faithful Appliance

Can we have a moment of silence for my dishwasher? It died yesterday of natural causes. For 8 years it served us well. I had a greater appreciation for its service after I washed a dishwasher load of dirty dishes. RIP.

Now lets all stand to salute my new dishwasher. Wonderful hubby came home on his lunch hour to hook it up. We gaze on it in awe of its stainless steel glory. "Hello, gorgeous! Welcome to my kitchen." May it serve our home for many years to come.

Oh on a side note, I thought dishwashers used to last longer than 8 years.

Rambling

I have wasted the morning catching up on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. I am unable to stay up to watch it so I DVR it. I love Jimmy Fallon. He is cute and funny. I especially love it when he cracks himself up.

Speaking of DVR's. What did we do before this?! I love, love, love, being able to fast forward during a show. I can't stand to watch tv any other way.

So Spring Break 2 has started. Steven and I don't have any plans except to get in some hiking to get him in shape for Philmont. (Side benefit, getting in shape myself!) Now that the weather is improving it's much easier to get out and enjoy the sunshine. The guys have 12 weeks to get in training for Philmont and their 50 mile hike. I'm looking forward to 2 weeks doing my own thing. I know I will miss them like crazy but I'm planning on keeping myself busy.

As soon as the weather improved, Devin broke ground (figuratively) on our outdoor bar/kitchen. This is the final stage of the back yard retreat. We are so excited to get it completed. Our backyard is our oasis. I plan my summer days around getting into the pool.

I've got to get to work now. I've neglected the house this week while I was playing.

Spring Break Part 1

I get two Spring Breaks this year! Woo hoo! I spent the past week with my girl Barbara. We spent a couple of nights in Eureka Springs ghost hunting, laughing, hiking, laughing, shopping and did I mention, laughing. I really can't remember the last time I laughed so much. We drove up to Eureka Springs the long winding way. The day was grey and overcast. A perfect set up to our anticipated visit to the haunted Crescent Hotel. On our journey into town we visited the famed Pivot Rock and the Natural Stone Bridge. About the time I would think that we were on the wrong road, a sign would appear pointing us onward. By the end of our trip I would learn about driving down roads just to see what is there.We explored a little and finally checked into the Crescent. Our room was on the 4th floor and seemed perfectly normal. There were a couple of areas that spooked us. We went on the ghost tour that night and it was a blast. We heard about the history of the Hotel and the ghosts that we would be staying with. Our tour guide seemed to think that those of us that were religious were tainted and unable to truly believe in spirits. So I guess I'm tainted. Now I will admit that there were a couple of incidents that can not be explained away so... One odd thing is the fact that we both woke up at 3 a.m. exactly the first night. Very strange. Oh, and have you noticed that blankets have magical powers that keep spirits and things away. We both had to chuckle that no matter how hot we were, we did not want any appendage exposed to the air. We spent our first full day walking around Eureka Springs shopping and just taking it all in. It was a nice day and we enjoyed our hike. That night we had a fabulous dinner in the Crescent Dining room then went ghost hunting again. Little did we know that we would discover something, well strange, about our own room. Needless to say we had some discussion about checking out. We ended up staying but slept with a light on. You would have thought we were little kids. Yesterday when we got home we discovered that we had some orbs in our photos. Orbs are evidence of spirits. I can't explain it. Pretty strange. The scary part was there were a couple in our room. I don't think I would voluntarily stay there again. I wouldn't push my luck. I know I won't ever go there for a massage. That floor gives me the creeps! Maybe because the hall to the massage rooms leads on to the morgue! Anyway, we had the best time and Barbara had to go home all too soon to study for her last few weeks of law school. Hopefully we will be able to do this again soon!

6 months in Heaven

Today marks the 6 month anniversary of losing Kristen. To wake up today and hear the irony of the Tsunami in Japan and all the lives lost there, was surreal. Kristen passed on a day that lives in infamy as a day of mourning, September 11th, and here six months later we have another day of mourning for many. It reminds me that though my loss is devastating, I am not alone. Millions mourn the loss of loved ones. It makes me thankful that one day death will no longer sting. Jesus promises us that.

Dear Lord,
Thank you for the gift of Kristen's life. My heart aches with the devastation of her loss. I take great comfort in knowing that she is with you. Thank you for taking away her pain and suffering. Lord, it is hard being left behind. Thank you for the confidence I have that one day we will be reunited. Thank you also for being my comfort. I know you will bind up my broken heart and turn my mourning to joy. Amen

Isaiah 61:1
The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;
2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn;
3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

Buy Me!

God save me from Target. I always end up spending way more than I intend to when I go there. It's insane. Why do they have to carry so much stuff that I want. I go in there for something specific and but come home with a basketful of stuff that called my name! "Jill buy me, me too! I'm cool don't you want me!" Does anyone else have that problem? I went there today for a baby gift. I ended up with kitty litter, a non-stick pan, a shirt, shorts for Steven, toilet paper, dish towels, a couple cards, some stickers, gift bags and tissue paper. Remember I should have only walked out with the baby gift, gift bag, tissue and card. I have to make sure not to go there too often. As I looked at my full cart I just had to chuckle.

The sun is out today! Hip hip hooray! Isn't it amazing how much better a day seems when there is sunshine?

I made the Pioneer Woman's recipe for Beef and Snow Peas last night. We all deemed it a winner. I'll have to go easy on the ginger though. Steven was a little turned off by the taste. The recipe was super easy. I told the guys to expect it again.
http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2010/10/beef-with-snow-peas/

Can you keep a secret?

I don't know why but today I've been thinking about secrets. We all have them. Remember the delicious secrets of our youth. Secret hideaways, secret dreams, secret codes. Then there are the secrets that can ruin relationships. There is nothing good about these secrets. So why do we keep these secrets? I've always tried to not keep secrets from my children. I try to be honest about mistakes I've made. I expected them to make mistakes but learn from mine and make their own. I also tried to be honest with them about feelings, good or bad. Secrets can be damaging. Why? Because they seem to bloat inside us. They become bigger and bigger and when the gas can't be held in any longer. Well, it's a pretty big stink! I know that's a weird analogy but it is true. Our church has had a series of sermons entitled Relationslips. Sunday's sermon has stuck with me. I realized that all I've done is complain about a broken relationship in my life and I've done nothing about it. I admit I'm lost on how to fix it but I haven't even lifted it up to God. I've started to pray for healing in this relationship. From my standpoint there needs to be some significant heart to heart to begin repair. But when and how to start? There have been a lot of secrets kept on both sides that have caused separation. Before I ever got to this point I had to decide if the relationship was worthy of repair. Because sometimes their not. Sometimes it is just time to move on, circumstances or beliefs have changed and the common thread is no longer there. That's okay too. Do you have a broken relationship? Pray on it. Let God show you how to make repairs or how to look back gratefully on what was.

Your Support is Needed

Our friend Becky is preparing for another marathon with Team-in-Training. This time she will be running in the San Diego Rock and Roll Marathon in June. She is once again running for Kristen. We never dreamed that Kristen would lose her battle and not get to stand at the finish line waiting for Becky. Please support Becky in raising funds and awareness of this devastating disease. Please also pray that Becky remains injury free. http://pages.teamintraining.org/ks/rnr11/bweatherfo
So many families are affected by this disease. I know of at least two other families that have lost their daughters to Leukemia. I've also heard of at least 3 people diagnosed with Leukemia or Lymphoma in just the last 6 months! In fact, just last week the news reported a local Springdale boy who was newly diagnosed. His school was selling wristbands to help his family with the cost of treatment.

Saturday and School is in Session!

We've had so many snow days that Steven had to go to school today. Yuck, school on a Saturday and you aren't even in trouble!

Today, in honor of school being in session I thought I'd do a book report. Actually, book reports. In the past couple of weeks I've read 90 Minutes in Heaven, Heaven is For Real, and Prayers For Sale. The first two are true stories and the last a work of fiction. (I had many people tell me I should read the first two. When you're grieving or have been through a traumatic experience I don't know if that's always a good thing. Reading about Mr. Piper's accident and recovery brought back some bad memories and I often had to put it down.)

90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper is our book club pick for March. This book relates Don Piper's experience after a horrific car accident outside of Houston. Technically he was considered dead for 90 minutes by paramedics at the scene. During this time he went to Heaven and the book is a description of his recovery and memories of Heaven. I enjoyed reading the book, the setting was a part of Texas that I was very familiar with. In fact, we lived in the area during the time of the accident and recovery. I can't say how I feel about his description of Heaven. I can certainly understand how difficult it was for him to reconcile having to endure a tough recovery instead of remaining in Heaven. I think if you had doubts on it's existence you may find comfort in this story. I didn't need to be persuaded, I already believe that Heaven exists. ***

Heaven is For Real by Todd Burpo is another account of Heaven. This account is from a child's view. Mr. Burpo's son almost died from a burst appendix. As a pastor, Mr. Burpo began to be aware of comments that his son made about Heaven and information that there was no way a 4 year old could possess. I was more enthralled by this description of Heaven. I especially enjoyed how this book incorporated scripture to back up accounts from the child. Once again, I didn't need this book to help me believe in the existence of Heaven. I already believed 'Heaven is for real'. ****

Finally, my favorite was Prayers for Sale by Sandra Dallas. It was a sweet story set in Colorado during the gold mining rush after the Civil War. The story tells of hardship, perseverance, and strength. At the center of the story is Henny Comfort. She's in her late 80's and is being urged to leave the high country to come live with her daughter in Iowa. I fell in love with this tough woman. Henny befriends a young wife that moves to the area and feels she can't leave until she helps her learn how to survive in this brutal environment. Henny is a story teller and helps this young woman through retelling of the stories of her life. ****

So I've implemented Jill's rating system. 5 stars ***** Excellent, 4 stars **** Enjoyed it, 3 stars *** Decent read, 2 stars ** Not sure it was worth my time, and 1 star * Didn't even bother to finish.

Got Milk?

It's become my habit to drink a glass of milk every afternoon when I think I "need" something. I've never really been a milk drinker so this in and of itself is strange. Today as I stood at the counter and took my first sip, I suddenly was transported back to Kindergarten. I could picture the desks all lined up and the teacher Mrs. Cooper. I can't remember if we all lined up to get our cold milk or if someone was assigned the task of handing it out. We would all sit quietly with our milk and a snack of graham crackers. I remember how good those graham crackers tasted with the ice cold milk. If I remember correctly we would lay down for a "rest" after snack. Full tummies, tired minds. I rarely fell asleep but I know some of my classmates would. It's funny how if you get a child to be still and quiet long enough they will fall asleep. Isn't it weird to think that we had a rest time and we only had half day kindergarten? Times have changed. Now kids go all day and I don't think they have rest time any more. At least not stretched out on their mat. They might have a story time sitting at their desk or on the floor. But back to the milk memory. I mentioned that Mrs. Cooper was my teacher, the funny part is I associate her with milk because we would get our milk from her husband's dairy farm. It was just right down the road from our farm. We would get a gallon out of the fridge they kept in a shed and leave money. When we got home we'd skim the cream from the top of the milk. Simple sweet memories. What will Steven remember?

Feeling What You Feel

Yesterday afternoon was a little tough. Allowing myself to feel it was good for me though. It allows me to get up this morning to a new day. That's a big part of my journey. By letting myself feel the sad, I let it out. It's not stuck inside weighing heavy on my heart. I was able to go to bed and sleep well and get up this morning to a new day. I've had times when I didn't let go and the sad would linger for days on end. I've been told by many sources to "feel what you feel when you feel it." This means not only the sadness but feel happy as well. After a sad afternoon, I got to go to Steven's Court of Honor for scouts. He was ending his term as SPL - Senior patrol leader. I was able to feel great pride and happiness for him as he stood in front of scouts and parents and ran the meeting. One quote that I go back to from my GriefShare group is this:

"And the people who recover are the people who admit their pain and are able to talk about it and share it." - H. Norman Wright

So I acknowledge my pain. Sometimes it's just too much. I do miss Kristen. Not having her here is like missing a part of myself. Sometimes I think that her personality was often a reflection of a part of me that I couldn't let out. I think that now I'm trying to figure out how to incorporate some of those back into the more reserved me.

Anyway, without rain, how can we appreciate the sun?

I's Misses Her

The day started fine. Normal even. I had a good week and a good weekend. The showers from last night lingered literally and figuratively. Something was taping at my conscience. Something I should remember or be conscience of. What was it? Think Jill think. What is lurking in the subconscious waiting to jump out at you. I go on about my day. I have Pilates and then stop at the grocery store. Still that nagging something tapping on my conscience self. I drop off the dry cleaning and as I turn my car back home. Whoosh! Overwhelming feelings of loss. The mantra, "I miss you! I miss you!", rushes into my conscience. Tears begin to pour down my face. I cry out loud, "God, I miss her! I miss Kristen! I miss her! I miss her!" The tears keep on coming. I fix myself some lunch and it won't go away. Finally I play the video from her service and just allow myself to go there. To that place of sorrow and grief so strong and powerful it threatens to drown me. Memories flow through my mind as I look at the pictures. I move on to the quotes. As I read them I feel as if she is here with me. As if she is telling me to really absorb the words and to listen to the music. I stand up and just let myself flow with the rhythm. The sun outside is now shining. There is light. The light washes away the dark clouds. The tears have washed away some of the pain. I miss you Kristen, I will always miss you. I thank God for the blessing of you. It truly is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

(It was a year ago that we found out that Kristen had relapsed and we headed back to Houston.)

O, Big Brother Where Art Thou?

I can go for days without anything inspiring me to write and then in just a couple sections of the newspaper find a million topics to comment on.

Let me start with Immigration. I can't say that I have strong feelings either way on this issue but in recent months I've seen good people face deportation. First is a University of Arkansas college student named Jonathan Chavez. This is a young man forced to pay for the sins of the father. As a child Mr. Chavez's family illegally immigrated to America. This young man has worked hard to get a good education, he has a 3.8 GPA at the UA. He also has been a strong Christian example in this area. It is a shame that he is facing deportation. We are going to send him back to a country that he has no memory of and no ties to. The second is a family that I have had the pleasure to come to know. They entered this country through the Corporate jungle. Through a now typical series of corporate reorganizations etc., they find themselves facing deportation. This family has made every legal inroad to become U.S. citizens. I have seen them humble themselves to not become a burden on society while they were between work. These are hard working law abiding citizens that in a matter of weeks will have to leave the country. It all makes me sad. Our country was built on the backs of immigrants. On the dreams and desires of hard working people who saw the land of opportunity. It frustrates me to see what happens to these people. But I don't have a better answer. I understand that good people get caught up in laws that were enacted to provide security for Americans. It is unfortunate that the immigration system is so backed up. I have no answers. Just frustration.

Now the other political topic I got caught up in. Fayetteville is considering banning smoking in bars. I am a non-smoker. I find smoking a disgusting habit but I'm also not your mom, doctor, or conscience. I understand that there are places that I may go that expose me to secondhand smoke. I take steps to control my exposure. My question for you to think on is this. Does government have a right to ban smoking in these public places? Is it for the greater good? Who are we protecting, patrons that have a choice where they go or workers who are exposed to second hand smoke because of the need for employment? Once again I have no answers. If it were up to me no one would smoke. Especially those I love, I want you around for a long time and like it or not smoking kills you. But, I acknowledge that it is not up to me. Is it up to "Big Brother"?

Stepping off of my soapbox now...

Cat Calls

Gotcha with that title didn't I? It's no secret that I am a cat person or maybe I should call myself a cat's person. Truly I think I'm only there to serve them; to feed them, provide a squishy lap, or to admire them. Even now as I type this Lulu is on my lap, tapping her tail in irritation, demanding the use of my lap. So what if the laptop was there first. Don't I have my priorities straight. Afterall, I've been gone all day so I must live with the consequences. Whenever I talk to my mom at least part of our conversation centers on Lulu, Claire or her cat Freddy. Mom's cat is a LARGE cat, not fat, but he's a big boy. The other day she said that Freddy kept getting on her lap putting his paws on her chest and meowing into her face. He kept doing this until she realized that his food bowl was empty. Mon Dieu! How did she allow this to happen, an empty bowl. For shame! I can relate, if Claire has an empty bowl she will jump on you and or meow and meow. Now Lulu would just lick you with her sandpaper tongue until you couldn't stand it. She's just much quieter. Ahhhh relief, my lap has been abandoned for bird watching. I now have feeling in my hand again!

A Domestic Hi-jacking

If you will remember I mentioned weeks ago my list. List of things that need to get done or that I want done. I have no earthly idea when I will ever get that list completed, if ever. I had good intentions on Monday only to have my day hi-jacked. I'm sure you've been hi-jacked before, it happens all the time. Sometimes I hi-jack myself other days I am merely the beneficiary. Monday I was put off schedule by a phone call. It was important for me to touch base with this person, but 70 minutes later I realized I still needed to finish a meeting report and make supper for the family. Oh, and shower before I attended the meeting. As I heard a school bus drive by I realized it was 3 o'clock! Yikes! It was like 1 o'clock when I got started. Time for high gear and I could forget about anything on that list. So the next day I tried again and I'm happy to say I was able to check off three of the tasks on the list. If only the chore list would end. Some of them are caught in a perpetual loop; sweeping, dusting, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, laundry, etc. are never ending tasks. Over the past few months I have had a problem with getting started. That certainly didn't help. Trying to get anything done when your stuck in neutral well, it just doesn't happen. I'm glad to say that with the return of sunshine, I have also found some get up and go. Which reminds me I better go take the sign off the door that says, "Distractions Welcome!"

OWN - Oprah Winfrey Network

So have you watched anything on the new OWN? I catch a few things here and there. I like the Season 25: Oprah Behind the Scenes. It's sometimes more interesting than the actual televised Oprah show. It allows you to see her as a boss and a person. I particularly like watching her staff. They are just ordinary people that work hard and are very good at their jobs. One staffer was moved to tears by being able to be part of the interview with Bush 41 and 43. Another was gushing over how handsome she though W is. I taped last night Our America with Lisa Ling. It was about Faith Healers. She did a great job of covering this topic. I found myself caught up in it because of her reaction. She was able to inform without ridicule, investigate without prejudice. I enjoyed it. It makes me want to tape another episode.

We had a good weekend. Steven had a scout hike and Devin and I took advantage of the time alone to go, do, and just hang out together. I know he's old enough to let us do this anyway, but less guilt in knowing we didn't leave him home. We took in a Home show, Boat show, appetizers at one of our favorite places Bonefish Grille, and we planned on catching some live music at a local coffee house. The artist we went to hear wasn't playing so, we grabbed a drink at the local hangout. It was nice for us to just take time to be together. We feel it is really important to take this time to stay connected as we see an empty nest in out not too distant future.

Grief Do's and Don'ts Part 3

The past two days we've looked at some of the Grief Don'ts and Do's. I posted these not only for myself but there are a lot of people out there who are grieving. A loss of a loved one can be defined in many ways and is not always about a death. Loss can include a divorce, a significant change in a loved one's health, miscarriage, etc. It is not our job to define what someone should be grieving about. Grief is also about more than the actual loss of your loved one. There are secondary losses as well.

As difficult as this is...

Losing Kristen was more than just losing a daughter. Below is a list of what I consider secondary losses. I don't just mourn losing her, I mourn for these also.

My secondary losses:
-best friend
-companion
-entertainer
-source of laughter
-confidant
-cuddler
-shoulder to cry on
-shopping buddy
-style consultant
-fighting partner
-my identity
-my "job" as caregiver
-relationships
-family
*I'm sure there are others that I haven't realized yet*

also I mourn those things that I anticipated:
-her college graduation
-seeing her get married
-seeing her become a mom
-holding her children

I know those are hard to read. They are just as difficult to write.

I also want to include some of my own personal do's and don'ts:
-Do continue to reach out. E-mail, text, or snail mail. Calling isn't always the best way to go, there are times when I just don't want to talk to anyone.
-Don't be hurt or angry if I don't respond or if I avoid contact. This is not personal. Sometimes it takes more energy than I can muster to be social. I can and do reach out when I need to or when I feel able.
-Don't expect me to be the way I was when we do get together. I'm going through a time of transition. Personally I often find it hard to focus and God forbid you give me any real responsibility.
-Do be patient with me. This is a process and I am walking it one day at a time.

My expectations for myself have had to compromise. I don't get things done the way I used to. I have to say it's okay on days when I have no energy or no motivation. Some days I'm able to get a lot done, I take full advantage of those. My brain is not always functioning at 100%. Some days I literally feel brain dead.

Positives. I am able to get out of bed each day. I am adding more exercise to my week. I'm spending quality time with my guys. Enjoying them after all the time we've been forced to be apart. Re-evaluating who I want to be, what I want to do going forward. Working on tasks that have be thrust to the side the past couple of years. I make lots of lists. I'm only making small inroads on them but lots of lists. I'm enjoying tootling on the flute. My neighbor had two so she's loaned me one. It's a challenge for me to relearn how to play. I also have found a support group that I love.

As I learn more and understand more about my own Journey from Mourning to Joy I will continue to share with you. I realized the other day that I asked God to be glorified through Kristen's illness and maybe it was time for me to ask for Him to be glorified through my grief. I visited Kristen's grave on Valentine's Day and took her flowers and talked about stuff. As I left I like to think she was speaking to me through the radio. A Jeremy Camp song came on, "There Will Be a Day". If you know his story you know he experienced the loss of his young wife in 2001 from Ovarian cancer. His early songs reflect the pain of her illness and loss. I'll leave you with the words of this song.

There Will Be A Day Lyrics

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that trys to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long
You feel your walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing….

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day, He’ll wipe away the stains, He’ll wipe away the tears, He’ll wipe away the tears…..there will be a day

Grief Do's and Don'ts Part 2

Yesterday I posted the Don'ts of how to deal with someone who is grieving. Today lets look at some Do's.

Do's
-Do let your genuine concern and caring show.
-Do be available and listen. Do express sympathy about what happened to their loved one and about their pain.
-Do allow them to express as much grief as they are feeling at the moment and are willing to share.
-Do encourage them to be patient with themselves, not to expect too much of themselves and not to impose any "should's" on themselves.
-Do allow them to talk about the loved one they have lost.
-Do reassure them that they did everything they could, that the medical care their loved one received was the best or whatever else is true and positive about the care given their loved one.

Once again these come from members of the health care community that deal with those affected by loss.

Tomorrow: Grief Do's and Don'ts Part 3

Grief Do's and Don'ts Part 1

When I originally started this blog, I wanted to separate my personal issues from everything else. This just isn't me. I tend to be an open book and to deny such a significant part of my life just isn't being truthful. It's like pretending. I think that's why I don't blog like I used to. It takes a lot of energy to pretend to be okay. There are parts of me that are okay but there is still a gaping hole. It will always be there but at some point it won't be so raw. I've realized by attending my support group, that our society doesn't seem to allow for grief. If you work, you get a few days off and then you are expected back at work. Your friends and family give you a period of time to grieve but they most likely have expectations that you will get back to "normal". Let me stop you right there. At some point you will reach a new "normal" but it won't be like you knew before.

A loss s changes you.

I'll repeat that. Loss changes you. Good or bad, you will never be the same.

Today I will give you the don'ts. Tomorrow the Do's and then finally my own personal feelings on some of these.

Don'ts
-Don't let your own sense of helplessness keep you from reaching out to a bereaved person.
-Don't avoid them because you are uncomfortable. Being avoided adds pain to an already painful experience
-Don't say, "I know how you feel." Even if you've lost a loved one yourself, you probably don't know how they feel.
-Don't say, "You out to be feeling better by now", or anything else that implies a judgement about their feelings.
-Don't tell them what they should feel or do. Don't change the subject when they mention their dead loved one.
-Don't avoid mentioning the loved one's name out of fear of reminding them of their pain. they have not forgotten it!
-Don't try to find something positive about the death (a moral lesson, closer family ties, etc.)
-Don't point out that at least they have their other family members. People are not interchangeable; they cannot replace each other.
-Don't make any comments that in any way suggest that the care given their loved one at home, in the emergency room, hospital or anywhere else was inadequate. They are already plagued by feelings of doubt and guilt without help from anyone else.
-Don't say they can always have another child/spouse. Even if they wanted to and could, another child/spouse would not replace the one they have lost.
-Don't suggest that they should be grateful for their other family members. Grief over the loss of one does not discount love and appreciation for those living.

The above list comes from members of the healthcare community.

Tomorrow: Grief Do's and Don'ts Part 2

Beating My Self Up

I don't know about you but I'm my own worst enemy. No one can beat me up as much as I beat myself up. I didn't realize until recently that my standards for myself are close to unattainable. So when I don't measure up to my own yardstick, well, I beat myself with it.

I recently visited with someone who told me to quit beating myself up. I was taken aback. How did this person realize that I do that? What did I do or say to let them in on my dirty little secret? What was it about me that gave it away? After my initial shock wore off, I realized that I was relieved that someone else saw this. I was relieved to have it out in the open. Having this bad habit laid out so bluntly before me allowed me to actually think on it. It began to dawn on me that a lot of the "issues" I have all stem from this impossible standard I have set for myself. Now don't get me wrong, we need a standards and goals, but it is how we react when we don't quite meet our own expectations that we need to adjust. We will not always hit the mark. Sometimes we will fall short. It is okay. It is normal. It is human. Instead of beating yourself for not getting there on the first try ... try again. Reach again for that goal. Do it over and over until you get there. Allow yourself to be imperfect.

I'm as guilty of holding others to impossible standards. I set these unspoken expectations. Then I'm angry or sad that they don't meet them. I think I need to start practicing tolerance. For myself, and for others. I need to speak up about my own needs from others. My own needs from myself. But, I need to allow room for disappointment at times. I need to allow a bigger margin for error.

Do you see what I mean? Can you identify? The only person in my life that can possibly meet all my expectations and needs is God. He is the only perfect in my life. When I stumble, when I'm angry or sad with someone else, I need to turn to the only one who could possibly meet these impossible standards.

Happy Valentines Day

I know sometimes I disappoint you all that I don't write as much as I used to. That's just how it is. Sometimes my mind is a big blank.

The quote I found for today is so true. (See Quote for the Day) It takes more than love to make a marriage work. It really is looking in the same direction. Several years ago one of those surveys went around that asked questions like: Where would you like to retire? I remember being happily surprised to find that many of my answers matched Devin's. We are totally different people and yet we see a future with similar dreams and desires. Isn't that awesome? We work together in our own unique ways to achieve the same goals. So this Valentine's Day I pray that you and your special Valentine enjoy the same tableau.

Entertaining Myself on Snow Day

I'm a goof ball. I'm not afraid to admit it. I like being silly. I especially like being silly when it drives my children crazy. Today I entertained myself by singing made up songs to Steven. When I had him torn between laughing and trying to strangle me, I switched to show tunes. So much fun. Oh and when he was about to dive over the edge I added some Broadway dance moves. The joy of seeing him look at me like I'd lost my mind. Then we switched to Kristen's baby talk. He told me to stop but I said why? He said, "I don't yike it." Me, "You no yike it?" So...I got to dance around and sing, "He no yike it, he think momma crazy!" He tore up the stairs to get away from me. Oh the joy of the moment. I'll have to figure out how to torture him later. Let's just say this is how I entertain myself on snow days.

Steven was actually my second source of entertainment today. First was Claire. She was fascinated by the snow. It is still snowing but we've received somewhere around 18 inches of snow. Record snowfall for Arkansas. I opened the back door for Claire and she just sat there looking at the drift that managed to not fall inside. Then she started licking at the snow. When I made her move so I could shut the door she hissed at me. I guess she wasn't done. I then let her out onto the side porch. Snow had not really accumulated there but she had a good time walking around checking it out. Lulu just looked out at her with a "Girl you crazy it's cold out there" sneer. Claire didn't stay on the porch long. I guess the cold finally got through all her fur and chub insulation!

Below are some of my snow day pictures. Also if you get a chance go read Pioneer Woman today. I thought I'd die laughing at her description of a hay hauler. Can't say I could tell you what hydraulics where either. I just know they exist!

When it's just not funny

I do believe laughter is the best medicine but sometimes the laughter is just not there. I wasn't sure if I'd share this but I realize it's important to show vulnerability as well as strength.

I had a major melt down this weekend. It was not pleasant and it was awful for Devin and Steven to watch it happen. I know better but sometimes you can feel the wreck coming on and you just can't find the emergency brake. The evening started normally. I was exhausted and I had a Bellini martini and another and then one or two more. Not sure at this point. Anyway, enough to let all hell break loose and grief that I've had bottled up spilled out, soaking my household and onto my sister. At one point Devin yelled at me. I was a little hurt but I realize that was what it took to shake me out of it.

Now let me tell you how God worked through this for me. Out of the blue yesterday our pastor called about a grief share class that is starting tonight. It sounds like exactly the thing that I need. This is a biblical based group that meets for 11-13 weeks. If you are in need of such a group, google Grief Share and find a group meeting in your area.

In the mean time sign me off today as looking for laughter.

Do You Count Your Blessings?

I am married to the most wonderful of men. Don't get me wrong we have our moments, but the good far outweighs the bad. I say this because it's the little things that make this man special. Let's start with last night. We've moved our tv and mounted it on the wall, it's hard for me to see it over Devin so I asked to switch sides. No problem. Now last night we noticed that once again the snow got high enough to cover the flashing, it melts and leaks into our closet. This morning I woke to Devin completely outfitted to go up to the roof and take care of this problem. I know it was annoying. I know he hated it. I know he had things that he'd rather be doing. In fact, we did have obligations for later today. But he did what he had to do as the head of our family. He is tireless or seems to be sometimes and much more than I deserve. It embarrasses him when I praise him but, I'm just thankful for such a wonderful man. I'm thankful for his love and for everything he does for us. I am blessed that the Lord brought us together. Thank you God for this wonderful blessing!

No More Snow until July!

What is up with this weather? It is insane. On facebook was a picture of a sign outside a local church, "Whoever is Praying for Snow Please Stop!". Snow is so beautiful coming down, but in an area like NW Arkansas where the world comes to a halt, it just gets old. If only people would learn how to drive in it. Devin took Steven out to get some snow/ice driving practice. I've been toiling around in Steven's jeep and it drives like a dream in this weather. When I was younger I think I was too naive to realize how dangerous the weather can be. One year they let us out of school early and I headed back out to the farm. I didn't know that it was so bad that I should have waited for or met my mom at work for the drive home. I had a little Oldsmobile Starfire Firenza stick shift. I just kept it in low gear and plodded my way through the heavy snow the 6 miles out to the farm. I didn't have a bit of trouble. Several years later this crazy mom and daughter team traveled through a blizzard from Manhattan to Kansas City for Christmas. We were practically the only car on the road. Once again my naivete was in my favor. I kept it slow and we got to our destination on the Plaza and had a great Christmas camped out at the Raphael hitting the after Christmas sales. Remember the great boots you got mom? Do you still have them? I hope not they are 20 years old and they need to retire!

That's Why Some Species Eat Their Young

Day after day school is cancelled. It's really not bothering me that bad but I remember when it did. Back in the late nineties, we lived in Bartlesville, OK. We wouldn't have a lot of bad snow storms then but when we did...Devin would be gone. Two years in a row he went off on his "Polar Bear" excursion leaving me alone with two active kiddo's. We would have the worst snowstorms of the year. I remember one year I lit the fireplace and the kids and I camped down in the living room listening to the Bradford Pears cracking and breaking from the heavy, wet snow. It didn't take long for me to put my foot down and say he needed to pick a different time of the year for his guy get away. When we lived in South Dakota we had lots of snow but few snow days. The snow had to be blowing so hard that you couldn't see to drive before they would shut down school there. You were also expected to send appropriate snow gear so your kid could go out at recess.

A snow day every now and then is enjoyable but day after day is wearing on a parent. I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like if the electricity was out too! The irony of these snow days is that everyone is out running around. We can get out to play but get to school? No, too dangerous! Of course, I'm all citified now and forget of all those that live out in the hills.

I'll leave you with something I found funny. When talking to my friend over in Tulsa she mentioned that one of the news anchors said that we needed to "hunker down". Ha Ha! I haven't heard that phrase in forever! Then when I was watching the national news the next day the weather anchor mentioned that we all needed to "hunker down". So that's it for me. I'm going to go "hunker down" for the night. Get my comfy cozies on and become the cat bed for the rest of the evening!

Cooking In the House

It's cold outside and I've been cooking. Steven is as happy as a clam. Yesterday he got Stromboli and a crock pot version of Cheesy Chicken, Broccoli and Rice. Today I made Butternut Squash Bisque. I thought I'd share the recipes with you. Actually they are based on recipes but I am the queen of the recipe ad lib.

Stromboli (my version):

Pillsbury thin crust pizza dough (or make your own)
regular sausage
turkey pepperoni (don't tell on me!)
fresh mozzarella
spinach
seasonings

Unroll dough on prepared baking sheet. I use a baking stone so no prep for me. Brown sausage, add chopped pepperoni, add Italian seasoning, onion powder, red pepper flakes. Chop spinach. Now I boo booed and didn't precook the spinach so the bottom got a little soggy after I cut into the crusty bread. If I made it again I would microwave the spinach first and drain. Lay 1/2 sliced mozzarella down the middle of the dough, add spinach, meat mixture and the rest of the mozzarella. Fold over the sides to overlap and pinch closed. I use a fork to make sure the ends seal well. Bake 400 for 20 minutes.

This is certainly not a traditional Stromboli but it is yummy and you can add or take away ingredients as you prefer!

Cheesy Chicken, Broccoli and Rice (crock pot version)

4 chicken breasts
3 cups chicken broth (I actually had some homemade!)
8 oz frozen broccoli
1 can cream of chicken soup
minute rice or minute brown rice
1 1/2 cup shredded sharp cheddar

Place chicken breasts in crock pot with broth. Cook on high 2-3 hours. When cooked through remove chicken and drain and reserve broth. Chop or shred chicken and return to crock pot. Add cream of chicken soup, frozen broccoli, cheese, and equal parts broth and rice. Cover and let cook another 30 minutes to 1 hour on low (longer if not using a quick cooking rice). I had to add a little more broth because I didn't measure I just dumped it all in!

The guys pronounced this version tons better than the oven variety. It had a creamy risotto texture.

Finally...

Butternut Squash Bisque

Butternut Squash
1 stick butter (1/2 cup)
2 onions
2-3 carrots
3 cups chicken broth
3 cups water
1 TBSP white pepper
1 TBSP ground nutmeg
Cream

Pierce squash and place on baking sheet in a 350 degree oven. Bake 1 hour and allow time to cool. While squash is cooling, rough chop onions and carrots. Melt butter in stock pot adding onions and carrots. Cook over medium heat allowing the onions to become clear. DO NOT BROWN. While these are cooking peel and chop the squash, discarding skin and seeds. Add to the onion mixture along with broth and water. Bring to a boil and then simmer for one hour or longer. Add seasoning and puree. Add cream or half n half to taste. Delicious!

WNTW - Dallas Style

I am an avid follower of the show What Not To Wear. I truly enjoy Stacy and Clinton. It's one of those shows that I DVR. I couldn't ever watch it in real time. Last night, they had a 29 year old flight attendant who dressed like a cartoon character. Okay cartoon character is rather harsh, but she had issues that went far beyond a mere makeover. They worked their magic on her but she never "got it". She never realized why her old look was so off putting to the type of people she would want to attract. Her old look was that of a blond bimbo (aka Holly Madison former Hugh Hefner girlfriend from The Girls Next Door). They gave her a "make under" but at the end she mentioned how she'd slowly go back to the old look. WHAT?! WHAT?! You have got to be kidding me. She would choose to hide behind a character rather than be her gorgeous self. And she was gorgeous. I thought I'd croak when they had her in one outfit that made her look HOT and she said she felt like a grandma in it. I don't know what grandma's she knows but let me tell you if she ran into one that looked that good in an outfit like she had on ... Well go for it grandma!

Speaking of which...

I haven't reported on my weekend in Dallas. I had a mini what not to wear with my girl Susan. My sweet guy texted us on Friday and told her to take me shopping for a new wardrobe. No budget. Seriously no budget. WooHoo! Maybe he knows me too well though. I have an inner budget that I have trouble going over. It's like a mental brake on the ole credit card. Sigh. We had a great time driving around in the gorgeous sunny Dallas day with the top down on her convertible. First stop was Stein Mart. They seriously let us take probably a hundred articles of clothing into the dressing room and we dove in. I would try on and not look in the mirror unless I got approval on the item. We walked out of there with two bags full of clothes. Awesome. And only a small dent in the budget. We were off to Ann Taylor, Soma, and Gap where we managed to complete the wardrobe. I spent only about 1/3 of my mental budget. Pretty good? EVERYTHING was on sale! So I know you want to know what I got.
I got: 3 pairs of pants, over 20 tops, 2 jackets, 3 sweaters, and 2 pairs of shoes.
Now I have to go through the drawers and closet and purge those items that are not okay. You know, bring something in, something must go. It is totally worth it!

Snow Day Again, LOL!

Can you believe this weather? Saturday I was in Dallas, riding around in a convertible with the top down. Today, half the country has snow and school closings! According to the weather, 9 states are affected, and over 2100 miles of the U.S. has ice and snow! Unbelievable!

What I like about Snow Days. Sleeping in. Seeing the gorgeous snow. Did I mention sleeping in?

What I hate about Snow Days. The school district does not build in enough snow days so we go later and later into June! Cold. Ice.

Snow days aren't what they used to be when I was a kid. Sigh! No excuse to not getting stuff done around the house. Lord knows I'm not going anywhere!

Getting Away

So I am going out of town, by myself, for the first time in almost 5 months. I actually feel a little bit nervous. I'm taking a step out of the little cocoon I've built around myself. As I type this I remember the first trip my mom and I took after my dad passed away. At least I think it was our first trip. I believe that we headed to Houston to see my aunt and uncle. A familiar place, familiar people, and yet I vaguely remember mom saying how hard it was. How the instinct to turn around and go back home was very strong. I'll let you know if I have any issues.

Forgive me when I have several days without posts. I've been super grumpy of late and that means I don't have a whole lot to say. You know the 'if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all'. I assume this is a stage of my healing. Or, I just might be grumpy!

Have you been enjoying my daily quotes? I realize I need to keep track of what I post. What inspires me might tell a story about my state of mind.

Grey Skies

Sometimes I get stuck. Frozen. Paralyzed. It is miserable. I hate it. I don't like this place, this funk. I do well for days at a time and then...freeze. I'm overwhelmed with grief. Sometimes I'm stuck for a day, sometimes for several days. As Dr. Suess says, "Unslumping yourself is not easily done."

I've always had those days where you hit a slump or a snag. I know I'm one of those people that are affected by the weather. Dark grey skies for days on end bring a dark cloud over my psyche. These days they can be darker and heavier. One thing I struggle with is letting myself have that day. Not to beat myself up over it. It happens, it will happen again. Finding the skill to unslump myself is hit or miss. I'm working at it. Journaling helps. Sometimes it's a mere matter of getting the darkness out. Exercise helps. Not always the easiest thing to make yourself do when it is cold and grey outside. I pray for help and look for help from the Bible. Sometimes the darkness has a pretty tight hold though. What do you do?

I look forward to the beautiful summer days to come. I love blue skies and being in the pool. Come on spring and summer, I need you!


Per Request here is the Banana Bread Recipe I made last week.

2 c. sifted flour
1 tsp. soda
1/4 tsp. salt
1/2 c. butter
1 c. sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla
3 large or 4 small ripe bananas, mashed*
optional: 1 c. chopped nuts

*I used 2 1/2 medium bananas and 1 super ripe pear

Sift together dry ingredients. Cream together butter and sugar; add eggs and vanilla and stir in bananas. Fold in dry ingredients and nuts. Place in greased 9x5x3 inch loaf pan or 8 inch square cake pan. Bake 325F for 55-60 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean.

Quick trick: I hate sifting together the dry ingredients so I measure them all together and then run a whisk through them.

What I Watch

I've got to tell you about some of my new can't miss shows. First is Outsourced on NBC. My family loves this show but I've got to say it is so blatantly politically incorrect! Short synopsis: Novelty company outsources their customer service department to India. All-American boy travels to India to train employees, cultural differences entail. One of my favorite episodes was titled "Touched by an Anglo". It emphasised the cultural differences between the sexes. If you haven't caught this show definitely tune in Thursday's on NBC.

Next, Piers Morgan Tonight on CNN. I think I'm falling in love with this show. Piers took over the Larry King Live time slot. As I type this I'm watching his interview with Ricky Gervais, after his controversial Golden Globes. Now you may know Piers from America's Got Talent. I'm really enjoying his banter with the guests. If he continues in this vein I will continue to DVR this show.

As always, I still love the Ellen Degeneres Show. She is so funny. After so many years on tv she is keeping it fresh. I love it when she gets 'tickled' by one of her guests. Especially the kids, they can be so unpredictable. I also admire the fact that she uses her show to help others. Many times she has reached out to average people to help them in their life. I also like her penchant for scaring her guests. It is hilarious!

Which leads me to the new OWN - Oprah Winfrey Network. This new network has not grabbed me yet. I try to catch various shows and none of the current schedule does it for me. I especially dislike the Best of Trading Spaces. Those were interesting the first time around but to look back. YUCK! I am slightly intrigued by some of Cristina Ferrares Big Bowl of Love. It is a cooking show that I have pulled some recipes from. Now the family wasn't excited by my salmon loaf even though I liked it. I'll have patience with this new network as it unfolds. What's your opinion?

Note: If you haven't checked out my Just for Fun section to the right, you should. My niece and her hubby have moved from Kansas City to the D.C. area. Their new blog is Hatfields Far from Oz. If you have a blog you think I should check out let me know.

Yes it is almost 2 a.m. and I am wide awake. I'm resisting the urge to go get some coffee. Weird?

So one thing I meant to blabber about is bumper stickers. Have you noticed that some cars have bumper stickers all over? I find this fascinating because we don't do bumper stickers. We prefer vinyl clings that are easily removed. Interesting? Bumper stickers are pretty much there until they wear off or you work hard to get all the sticky off. They proclaim our interests: Get Outdoors!, Pack Rat, I'd rather be [fill in the blank]. They proclaim our political leanings: Palin/McCain 2008, Biden/Obama 2008, Fire them All, Help Wanted: Congressman or Senator. They may announce our love of local, i.e. Keep Fayetteville Funky, Support your local farmers market. Lots of stickers announce hobbies: Scuba diving, fishing, bicycling, or running. Tons of stickers give a shout out to your alma mater: K-State Wildcats, Fayetteville Bulldogs, Peabody Warriors, Arkansas Razorbacks, or KU Jayhawks. Or your favorite sports team: KC Chiefs, Dallas Cowboys, Houston Texans, New Orleans Saints. (So those are all football teams. I guess you can tell what sport is my favorite?) You can tell a lot about the person in the car by their bumper stickers. Like I mentioned before, we like to keep our cars sticker free if we can. We have a cling stating that we are K-state Alum. The only actual sticker I think we have on a vehicle is for Boys Can Smoke. Now don't get me wrong I think bumper stickers can be cool. I've wanted to adorn my car with a Save the Tatas sticker. I've also wanted to Keep Fayetteville Funky. Maybe I'm just not willing to commit. A sticker can be kind of permanent. Maybe I'm not ready to throw myself whole heartily into a cause. So for all of you out there that Would Rather Be Golfing, Saving the Whales, or just have a really great sense of humor (you know who you are 'if you can read this get off my ***!), I salute your commitment. You keep me entertained and wondering. Thanks!

Freezer Blues

Okay, so several weeks ago Devin threw down the gauntlet. He challenged me to cook out of the freezer. All 3 of our freezers were packed. We have lost track of what is even in them. I know that there is tons of steak. (We just got our big order from Tyson before the holidays.) Beyond that it was a mystery. I don't know if he challenged me to be more thrifty or so that I would clean out the big freezer just so he could defrost it! I have accepted the challenge and started yesterday. After tossing items that were beyond hope, I dug out a bunch of chicken that was starting to get freezer burnt. My new thing is to put all the meat in a roaster, pour some chicken broth over it along with onion, garlic, salt, pepper and water. I put the roaster in the oven and let it go at 350 F for several hours. The meat falls apart tender and juicy. And you get the yummiest homemade broth! I shredded the chicken and have begun to use it in different ways. Yesterday was chicken, broccoli, cheese and rice casserole. I found a great recipe that used whole grain rice and real cheese, no Velveeta or cheez whiz. The boys liked it. Yeah! I was smart and put enough for one meal in a casserole dish for the three of us and put the rest in another for the neighbor. I need to do that more often. I have older neighbors who don't cook, that love to get some home cooked meals. And to continue my good cooking day, I made some banana bread. I used a new recipe and added a very ripe pear to my mushed bananas. It was the best I've ever made. So now I'm done cooking for the week. Just kidding! Now I just need to figure out how to use up the rest of the shredded chicken. Thinking enchiladas tonight.

Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow!

I feel like I'm constantly having to make a new to do list for myself. I don't seem to make any headway on my chores. They are like bunnies and they keep reproducing. I've decided that I need about 2 weeks to catch up with my life. Why 2 weeks? Because I need a goof off day for every day that I make any headway into the world of getting it together. You really do need to embrace chores based on your mood. Some days I'm much more with it and find organizing things a breeze. Other days I'm the biggest space cadet out there. Take this weekend for example. I had almost 48 hours that were all mine. No guys around. No one asking what's for lunch, supper, or breakfast. I had every intention on really cleaning the house. I managed to talk myself out of it. As I got to thinking about it I realized that wasn't the best use of my time. The minute my guys got home I'd get a stack of laundry and Scout stuff laying all over. So what did I do? Not much of anything. It was glorious! So... Well the downstairs is clean but there are still pockets that need some organizing attention. Eventually I will conquer the bedrooms. They aren't going anywhere. Now on top of those chores that I've got on my to do list we have the daily maintenance that comes with a family. Grocery store runs, vet visits, meal preparation, volunteer duties, Bible study; just to name a few. Sigh! Why do I think that I will ever catch up?! I just keep plodding along. One day at a time right?

Build 'em Up

For you Ginnie

This morning my friends say their formal goodbye to their beloved mother, grandmother and great-grandma. She was 97. Wow 97! I really didn't know her well. I met her a few times in the past 20 years. I always carried away an impression of energy. She was full of life and energy. If I remember correctly she was someone we should all strive to be. Her obituary says that she lived her life giving to others as a volunteer.

That leads me into the sermon from yesterday. The pastors began a series called Relationslips. No that wasn't a typo, relationslips. The first in a 7 part series is subtitled, Looking for the Positives! Build Up One Another. What little I know about the woman I've mentioned above, would led me to believe that she did just that. What impression do you leave behind? Do you leave those around you encouraged? I think I fail at this much more than I succeed. Lately I find myself as a bit of a sourpuss. I've been judging the glass half empty and not half full. Because of this I don't believe that I am encouraging those around me to be their best. In fact I know that I've spoken discouragement. I've spewed negativity. For that I'm truly sorry. We must be very careful of our words, of our actions. Do they really speak our heart? Do they further God's kingdom? Proverbs 18:7 says, "The mouths of fools are their ruin; they trap themselves with their lips." Psalm 50:19 says, "Your mouth is filled with wickedness, and your tongue is full of lies."

So how do I get back to the glass half full, build each other up, positive person? I plan on diving back into the Word. God provides me all the encouragement I need in the scriptures. If I feel positive and encouraged my cup will runneth over. When you are so filled with the love of God you spill it out. If flows around you and fills your home, your workplace, your neighborhood, etc. In Jeremiah 1:9 it says, "Then the Lord reached out and touched my mouth and said, 'Look, I have put my words in your mouth!'" Job 8:21 says, "He will once again fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy."

Where are you? Do you build or tear down? Do you encourage or discourage?

I'm going to take a page out of the example set above by a simple woman who loved God and worked at pouring that love back into his people.

Start Slow, Taper Off From There

It is truly amazing what good rest will do for you. I've been grumpy, irritable, mad, frustrated, sad, mean, etc.; this past week. Yesterday I reached my peak of tension. I didn't know it though. I took a little nap in the morning. Spent the day catching up on laundry. Spun my wheels the rest of the day trying to figure out which way was up! Last night, finally I got some good sleep. I don't know why it was better than the rest of the week but it was. When my alarm went off this morning I got up with no problem. Yesterday I turned it off and would have gone back to sleep but my darling hubby made sure I got up. Wasn't that wonderful for him to remind me to get out of bed at the "butt crack of dawn"! Which leads me too...

I am not a morning person. I like sleep. A lot. If I don't get enough, watch out world! I thought as you got older you'd need less sleep. I can still sleep until noon some days like a teenager. Maybe it's because as adults we go sleep deprived for days and then we crash. Unlike a teenager, I don't like starting my day so late. Teenagers make up for the time they sleep in by staying up half the night. I fizzle out way to soon and am back in bed before midnight. Usually by ten! We have to tape the evening talk shows because we can't stay awake that long.

I've decided that I must be part cat. Just like the title says, "start slow, taper off from there."

(Note: As I was typing this, I got a text saying that my 6 a.m. exercise class was cancelled. So like a cat it's back to bed I go for just a few more zzzzzz's!)

Where Did My Day Go?

I am mentally and physically exhausted. I was up at 5:15 headed to 6 a.m. fresh start. After realizing how truly, horribly out of shape I am, it was back home to get Steven out the door. As he got in his jeep I'm coaching him on where to watch out for ice and right before he shuts his door I tell him, "Call your Dad if you get into an accident." After a quick shower and a cup of joe, I'm off to Panera for a breakfast meeting, that lasted until 11 a.m. We were having a great time! Returned some stuff to Bed Bath and Beyond, picked up more than I returned. Headed to Walgreens then the post office, called Devin to see if he wanted to meet for lunch. Had some yummy spicy Thai food with my hubby and headed home. Got some paperbackswap books ready to mail, wrote my penpal a letter, and headed back to the post office. Called my t-shirt contact to talk tees and ended up visiting for almost 3 hours. Drove home and collapsed. Only to have a discussion about what is for supper. Supper?! I'm ready for bed!

Snow Day/Cleaning Day

I really haven't disappeared. We had a busy weekend and today was a snow day so I took advantage of knocking off some of the items on my to do list. I've got a way to go before I can breathe easy.

About that snow day... Even at the hint of snow or ice, Northwest Arkansas shuts down. Granted we have lots of hills and since we don't get a lot of wicked weather we don't have the city crews to get everything ready. Steven still made it to his orthodontist appointment. At least he didn't have to miss any school for it! Who knows what the weather will bring overnight. We may get another snow day tomorrow. Hope not!

So I realized when I was half way through some of my cleaning, that I may be cleaning up inside the house, but I'm transferring a lot of it to the garage. Irony of that is I don't clean the garage. I'm just passing the buck, or junk. Better than having stuff sit in my dining room or the hall. I thought Steven was going to have a fit when I asked him to move some of the stuff. It was a snow day! Kids don't do anything resembling work on a snow day! What was I thinking?

Ever notice that there is always at least one item you forget to put away with the Christmas decorations? I've been walking by a Silent Night plaque for over a week without realizing that it was a Christmas decoration! In years past I've left out stockings, Christmas tins, or anything I put in an unusual location. Sigh!

So I hope to make great strides into getting my house in order by the end of next week. Then I can move on to the things that aren't necessities! It seems that sometimes all we accomplish is the maintenance and rarely get to the deep cleaning out.

My Favorite Escape

I mentioned the other day Healthy Mind + Healthy Body + Healthy Spirit. So one of the things I do to work on Mind + Body + Spirit is to get a massage at least once a month. I know it sounds horribly decadent and indulgent. But like Pilates, it's cheaper than therapy for me. Since I go regularly I use the same masseuse and take advantage of a loyalty program where I get a special rate. (Not to mention that I earn points that can be used for a free massage!) This helps so much in my ability to truly relax. I've learned to get the full benefit from the experience I should a) forgo my morning coffee, b) turn on my heated car seat, c) work on the relaxation of my mind. The hardest part is the relaxation of the mind. The music they play at La Vida greatly helps me. I am able to visualize my favorite thing on earth, sunshine and water. I usually choose one of the following three scenarios; laying by the beach with a lovely cocktail, or floating in the boat at Beaver Lake, or just floating in the backyard pool with the sun baking down on me. Today I discovered that it also helps to imagine your body becoming lighter. It helped me relax more than imagining melting into the table.

So, I realize that not everyone can be so indulgent. I do think you should consider treating yourself to a massage once or twice a year. But for those in between times, regularly choose a relaxing activity. Take a hot bath, go for a walk, lay down for a nap, or close your eyes and just visualize your favorite place. The important thing is to stop acknowledge your need to escape and address it in one of these positive ways.

The Art of the List

Are you a list maker? One of my sweet friends is an expert list maker. I envy her. I am not a natural at it. I go through phases where I make lists and others where I am flying by the seat of my pants.

This morning I found myself at a crossroads. I have so many little tasks that need to be done that I find myself overwhelmed. I've found that the only way to really get started is to start making lists. So this morning I sat down and started going through the house room by room, mentally not figuratively. As I pictured each room I listed the tasks that needed to be done. As I type this I even think of items I overlooked and need to add to my lists. I used to feel like I needed to complete the list all in one day. I've gotten easier on myself and now only pressure myself to get a few things done. If I get even one accomplished it is a good day. Seriously, if I didn't make the list I probably wouldn't get anything done! I'd be frozen, overwhelmed by life.

A few years ago after one of our moves, I found myself so overwhelmed that I was lucky if I got one box unpacked a day. I'd look at the sea of boxes and pick up a book and pretend it all didn't exist. Lucky for me I have a great spouse who figured out how to help me. He'd unpack the boxes and get them out of the room. So that all I had to deal with was individual items. I was much better at putting everything away when I could see it all out in the open. Putting away small items was much more do-able than attacking these big boxes!

What's on your to do list for 2011? Want to lose weight, eat right, excersize? Make a list of small goals. For the week or for the day even. It's too much to think you can change everything overnight. That's why so many of our resolutions get thrown away by the end of January if not sooner. One goal I have is to feed my guys better. I'll be making yet another list of meals for the week. I'll then make my grocery list. When I hear, "What's for supper?" I'll have an answer. Instead of my often used, "I haven't decided yet!"

I keep my list in a notebook. I can then refer back to the previous pages and see what needs to be done yet. When I just can't seem to light a fire under myself I'll look at it and pick a task that seems manageable.

What do you want to change about your life? Pick up a notebook and make your list. What can you do to reach your goal? To complete your tasks? To overcome your lethargy? Small goals. Small steps. A more fulfilled life.

New Year

A new year often means starting over. A chance to rewrite yourself. There is nothing I need to do more than rewrite myself. I'm not going to be foolish about this, I know it will be a slow process. We move forward in small, often minuscule steps. Ten steps forward, twelve back, but we do move forward. Sometimes we race ahead sometimes we barely press forward hopefully momentum will take over.

What to I want from the next year? I want to learn how to take care of myself again. To remember that to take care of myself also means energy to embrace life. I want to laugh, a lot and often. As my blog title says, prescription: laughter. Laughter is the best medicine. Laughter makes you feel young. It releases those endorphins and lightens even the heaviest burden. I want to move, literally and figuratively. There is joy in an active body. When you use your muscles it helps to heal your mind. I want to spend more time with God. Healthy mind + Healthy body + Healthy spirit = Healthy Me!

So what can you expect from this blog. Well anything, it's kind of like a diary that I'm willing to share. Don't expect full exposure. We all have parts of ourselves that we don't fully expose. I will be as honest and transparent as possible. I believe that we learn from each other and there is a need for us to be open. Often we feel that we are the only ones feeling or reacting in a certain way. Well your not alone.

What you won't find. I don't plan on using this as an outlet for grief. Remember, the prescription is laughter. Grief may occasionally pop up because I am learning to move through it.

I hope you enjoy what I may have to say. If not, don't read my blog!