The past two days we've looked at some of the Grief Don'ts and Do's. I posted these not only for myself but there are a lot of people out there who are grieving. A loss of a loved one can be defined in many ways and is not always about a death. Loss can include a divorce, a significant change in a loved one's health, miscarriage, etc. It is not our job to define what someone should be grieving about. Grief is also about more than the actual loss of your loved one. There are secondary losses as well.
As difficult as this is...
Losing Kristen was more than just losing a daughter. Below is a list of what I consider secondary losses. I don't just mourn losing her, I mourn for these also.
My secondary losses:
-best friend
-companion
-entertainer
-source of laughter
-confidant
-cuddler
-shoulder to cry on
-shopping buddy
-style consultant
-fighting partner
-my identity
-my "job" as caregiver
-relationships
-family
*I'm sure there are others that I haven't realized yet*
also I mourn those things that I anticipated:
-her college graduation
-seeing her get married
-seeing her become a mom
-holding her children
I know those are hard to read. They are just as difficult to write.
I also want to include some of my own personal do's and don'ts:
-Do continue to reach out. E-mail, text, or snail mail. Calling isn't always the best way to go, there are times when I just don't want to talk to anyone.
-Don't be hurt or angry if I don't respond or if I avoid contact. This is not personal. Sometimes it takes more energy than I can muster to be social. I can and do reach out when I need to or when I feel able.
-Don't expect me to be the way I was when we do get together. I'm going through a time of transition. Personally I often find it hard to focus and God forbid you give me any real responsibility.
-Do be patient with me. This is a process and I am walking it one day at a time.
My expectations for myself have had to compromise. I don't get things done the way I used to. I have to say it's okay on days when I have no energy or no motivation. Some days I'm able to get a lot done, I take full advantage of those. My brain is not always functioning at 100%. Some days I literally feel brain dead.
Positives. I am able to get out of bed each day. I am adding more exercise to my week. I'm spending quality time with my guys. Enjoying them after all the time we've been forced to be apart. Re-evaluating who I want to be, what I want to do going forward. Working on tasks that have be thrust to the side the past couple of years. I make lots of lists. I'm only making small inroads on them but lots of lists. I'm enjoying tootling on the flute. My neighbor had two so she's loaned me one. It's a challenge for me to relearn how to play. I also have found a support group that I love.
As I learn more and understand more about my own Journey from Mourning to Joy I will continue to share with you. I realized the other day that I asked God to be glorified through Kristen's illness and maybe it was time for me to ask for Him to be glorified through my grief. I visited Kristen's grave on Valentine's Day and took her flowers and talked about stuff. As I left I like to think she was speaking to me through the radio. A Jeremy Camp song came on, "There Will Be a Day". If you know his story you know he experienced the loss of his young wife in 2001 from Ovarian cancer. His early songs reflect the pain of her illness and loss. I'll leave you with the words of this song.
There Will Be A Day Lyrics
I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that trys to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew
But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always
I know the journey seems so long
You feel your walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone
Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting
I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing….
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
There will be a day, He’ll wipe away the stains, He’ll wipe away the tears, He’ll wipe away the tears…..there will be a day
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