Grief Do's and Don'ts Part 1

When I originally started this blog, I wanted to separate my personal issues from everything else. This just isn't me. I tend to be an open book and to deny such a significant part of my life just isn't being truthful. It's like pretending. I think that's why I don't blog like I used to. It takes a lot of energy to pretend to be okay. There are parts of me that are okay but there is still a gaping hole. It will always be there but at some point it won't be so raw. I've realized by attending my support group, that our society doesn't seem to allow for grief. If you work, you get a few days off and then you are expected back at work. Your friends and family give you a period of time to grieve but they most likely have expectations that you will get back to "normal". Let me stop you right there. At some point you will reach a new "normal" but it won't be like you knew before.

A loss s changes you.

I'll repeat that. Loss changes you. Good or bad, you will never be the same.

Today I will give you the don'ts. Tomorrow the Do's and then finally my own personal feelings on some of these.

Don'ts
-Don't let your own sense of helplessness keep you from reaching out to a bereaved person.
-Don't avoid them because you are uncomfortable. Being avoided adds pain to an already painful experience
-Don't say, "I know how you feel." Even if you've lost a loved one yourself, you probably don't know how they feel.
-Don't say, "You out to be feeling better by now", or anything else that implies a judgement about their feelings.
-Don't tell them what they should feel or do. Don't change the subject when they mention their dead loved one.
-Don't avoid mentioning the loved one's name out of fear of reminding them of their pain. they have not forgotten it!
-Don't try to find something positive about the death (a moral lesson, closer family ties, etc.)
-Don't point out that at least they have their other family members. People are not interchangeable; they cannot replace each other.
-Don't make any comments that in any way suggest that the care given their loved one at home, in the emergency room, hospital or anywhere else was inadequate. They are already plagued by feelings of doubt and guilt without help from anyone else.
-Don't say they can always have another child/spouse. Even if they wanted to and could, another child/spouse would not replace the one they have lost.
-Don't suggest that they should be grateful for their other family members. Grief over the loss of one does not discount love and appreciation for those living.

The above list comes from members of the healthcare community.

Tomorrow: Grief Do's and Don'ts Part 2